Working through Addiction

A couple months after starting to use I was having trouble keeping up with rent and bills. By the time I was fired from my first job (less than a year after starting to use) I was spending money as quickly as it came in. I remember sitting with drug dealers at 3 in the morning waiting for deposits to hit just to transfer it all over to them to buy more.

After losing that first job I did start working within the month again and stayed there for about another year or so. I did took a dive during this period but it was easier to go unnoticed as their was so any staff and was easier to get shifts covered. Though near the end I was spending time in detox facilities and would be out of work for a week or so , but you cant get fired if you are actively seeking treatment and and had the necessary forms signed from the programs. My boss was super supportive because he even fostered kids with addiction issues but when he left and was replaced by the AGM ( who was not supportive ) I eventually just stopped going in. I don't remember ever actually getting fired but I don't think it needed to be said. After leaving there I worked at a handful of bars , only lasting a couple months max over the course of the next 2 1/2 years and ultimately not having a real job for 75% of the time.

It was during this time I started prostituting. It started with drug dealers directly in exchange for drugs and after a while would do it "outside" my drug world, in exchange for money or anything else I was in need of since I was not working a real. I developed a hard outer shell, as necessary to perform in this way. It was like a whole other persona, I could conjure up when needed. Alice and I would draw her out when neither of us could do it otherwise. It felt like I could take a back seat and let this other persona come out and I would watch behind a curtain. It was my way to dissociate from what was happening, to do what was necessary to fuel my addiction. Over the years the dissociation grew stronger and stronger, this persona becoming rougher and harder, Alice and I both grew scared of her, we would just refer to her as "the bitch".

If it was Alice and I together partying when we ran out of money we would take turns , whoever was in a more able state of mind would take the bullet. One of the last thing you wanted to do after being up for that long would be any sex acts, but again there was no alternative we could see. We would joke it was like a brothel, they would leave their payment , be it drugs or money, with one of us and the other would head into the room. Whoever was left outside would either get lines ready or be in contact with dealers to get drugs on the way. Lots of my lows from addiction would stem from these experiences. I remember staring at walls , trying to fixate on a point completely to take me away from where I was. Or "the bitch" would be contemplating murder. Either or.