The Last Time

Our bags were packed, furniture moved out. R had put in a request for a transfer 3 months ago and it got accepted, Regina Saskatchewan.

It all happened so fast , with me hitting rock bottom endless amounts of times in the past couple years especially. I wanted to get clean but it felt near impossible, I had almost given up. This felt like my last hope ; leaving everything behind, family, friends even most furniture got discarded as we got closer to our leaving date: April 14 2019

We had plans to leave earlier in the evening, as soon as we had packed up the essentials and air mattress that was left and said good bye to family. But of course, I had started using.

Looking back now I can remember feeling incredibly nervous , obviously It was something I knew I had to do but as the day finally came It felt incredibly hard to walk away. Drug life had become my whole identity and I didn't know who I was underneath it anymore. It was a intimating thought shedding that part of me, not knowing what I would find and face. I had no other hobbies anymore, no inspirations or goals. All I had was a little voice deep inside me, still fighting. Every near death experience she would bubble to the top and I would catch a glimpse until I forced her back down.

So there I was in a completely empty apartment with just a couple small box and bags in the living room and I was ripping lines. The demons that normally hid under the furniture were all out and about in the open air, completely taking over the space.

Time moved on and my supply was thinning, I began texting drug dealers to pick up more and around this time I began to believe weren't really leaving. All responsibilities and obligations went completely out the window when I was using and I figured I had bought myself one last bender. But I had no money of my own and seeing as all our stuff was packed and it was about 2 am I did not have the resources to get anymore.

The comedown was sever even the before the last line was gone I felt so much dread and doubt. I doubted every wanting to leave when so obviously all I care about was getting more drugs. Why would I ever want to stop?

I got frustrated as R was acting like we were supposed to leave now. Didn't matter to me our apartment was empty and lease was terminated and come tomorrow we could not legally be here anymore. None of that matter. All that mattered was getting more cocaine. He packed up the last of the boxes and expected me to follow him to the car.

How could he do this to me?

Eventually I have to go, with the demons trailing me to the car. A few get in the backseat as always and I have a hard time relaxing as I constantly need to look behind me to scare them back into hiding. They are laughing at my discomfort.

About 45 or 60 minutes into the drive I finally start fading in and out of sleep. I woke up once to it snowing , then drifted back to sleep.

The End.