The First 6 months

At the beginning of my drug use I was incredibly naïve about what was happening. I honestly believed it was a great thing I had stumbled into, because for a while, it masked a lot of the emotions I was tired of feeling. I remember sitting down with some friends from high school I hadn't talked to in months and proudly explaining to them that I was using. It was so quickly becoming a huge part of my identity and I welcomed it in with open arms.

I should preference this by acknowledging that I wasn't necessary doing amazing before I fell into cocaine. I struggled with anxiety and depression through all my teenage years and through high school struggled with eating disorders, suicide attempts and minor substance abuse (alcohol and weed). So it wasn't necessarily a fall from greatness more so amplified the issues I was already having.

I was somewhat functional for the first few months, I still had expendable income and wasn't missing rent or bills (yet). I would party after a night of drinking and manage to get to bed by the next morning . As time went on I started using earlier and earlier into the night, eventually just brought it out with me and eventually just stopped going out and went straight to using.

During that initial period of using, a few instances have stuck with me and stand out as circumstances that set the stage for the rest of my addiction. One was early on a month or so after trying cocaine for the first time. At this point I would hold drugs in my room basically for a rainy day. So as it happened It was Alice's Birthday , we had plans on the weekend to go out with friends from work but her actual birthday was in the middle of the week so we were just at my place with no real plans in place. But as it goes I had a .8 of a ounce stashed away ( 350$ worth) so our nice casual night in was out the window. Alice started calling strip clubs as she wanted to do amateur night and ended up finding a place that would send us a limo if we wanted to do it. For me it was up in the air, it made me extremely uncomfortable but after doing lots of cocaine really anything is possible. So headed to the club in the limo, partying and doing lines the entire time. We got there and they made us sign a waiver and assured us no photos would be posted without our consent. I really did not even want to do it , I thought it was extremely degrading but was telling myself to push myself out of my comfort zone and keep up with the lifestyle. I did so much drugs before getting on stage I can not even imagine what It looked like but I remember what It felt like. That night was the first of many sexually traumatic experiences that happened to me. In the morning, photos were all over the internet without our consent and we had to message the club to take them down.

It was becoming more challenging to keep up with my social norm, my family and friends that I would use to hang out with. It was tough to not use in social settings, especially if there was drinking involved. I remember for my 21st birthday I invited a group of people out to restaurant to celebrate but ended up bailing out before everyone even got there. I made up a excuse and said I would be back shortly then obviously never made it back. I felt so awful and guilty but also felt so out of control that I couldn't make it a couple hours with all these great people I really cared about. Its started to consume my mind and it was all I could think about , just holding on until the next time I could use.

End.