The First Time

For most of my life leading up to addiction, hard drugs scared me. Whenever I saw anyone on drugs they seemed to have no control or consciousness to what they were doing and that thought of the unknown made me anxious, I found the behaviors embarrassing. Cocaine in particular I found especially invasive as you had to snort it. I didn't even have any real curiosity towards it for most my life. Even as I got older and was around drug use more I always turned it away without much thought.

But that all changed quite quickly.

I was about 19 years old. I had recently moved out of parents and in with a couple girls from work. I was also newly single after breaking up with my high school boyfriend. I wanted to meet new people, have new experiences and enjoy "adult grown-up" life with new freedoms.

Shortly after the breakup I started hanging out with a girl from work, Alice. We were both single, young and not currently in post secondary like many of my other co workers. Which meant we worked together during the day most of the time. To be honest, Alice intimidated the hell out of me. She was confidant, spoke her mind and gave no fucks, all things I actually really admire her for, yet scared me. A friendship was born fueled by lots of drinking and general shenanigans.

Alice did drugs and at first we usually went our separate ways when she started using , I think it annoyed me a bit more than anything because it would cause us to drift apart and hang with separate crowds.

Eventually though I began asking questions about what is it like? how do you do it? how do you felt and why would you do it when its so expensive?

The night that changed we had gone to the casino after having a few drinks beforehand. From what I remember we had planned I was going to try it that night before she and even picked up. I smoked a cigarette while she jumped in a car and and when she came back we headed inside, past the security into the bathroom. I gummed some first to get a feel, and the immediately go numb. Not really what I was expecting.

I nervously did a tiny bump and stepped back to see how it felt. My mind was suddenly clear even though having had a few drinks and all my anxiety was gone. I felt good and immediately went back and did a full line.

After that first one I kept up with Alice line for line . I remember her saying she was impressed and that it was a lot for my first time. I felt like I had found something that had been missing from my life and I knew I would use again. I loved how I felt, no anxiety , confidant, lots of energy, motivated, I was on cloud 9.

We left the casino and drove my car to Whyte Ave to go bar hopping. I remember dying of laughter when we realized I was driving the wrong way down a one way. I didn't care that we were getting side eyed by everyone we passed, rightfully so as we were completely out of it. I let out this odd giggle after every single thing I said and we joked about that all night. I couldn't help it.

We were playing pool and a guy walked right up to us; "Can I have some of whatever you two are on?"

We shared and adopted him into our group for the night. We went back to Alice's apartment with a random assortment of people we collected, I think one was even the cab driver.

I was to new to drugs to have much of a comedown, when the drugs were gone I wasn't yet aching for me. I continued laughing on until eventually I settled onto the couch to pass out.

Last thought before going to sleep was what an amazing night.

End